Do Nothing, Just Love

My last post was less than a week ago and I felt that I was in spiritual crisis...not knowing what to do, feeling like if I wasn't careful I was going to miss out on some big huge turn I was supposed to make in my life.

I quit drinking alcohol a week ago, on Jesse's 13th birthday. Cocktails with Chris in the evening had become a daily ritual that I found myself looking just a little too forward to. My problem with alcohol has always been the desire to just keep drinking once I got started. If I made a drink before dinner, well, it would turn in to two or three and by 9pm I was tired, angry and just pretty much wanted to be left alone. I'm a happy drunk, at least until I'm not...

I had my first drunk (and consequent hang-over) in 7th grade, on Gallo Burgundy. I had my first cigarette that year as well and smoked for another 23 years before giving it up for good. I was Jesse's age, which in comparison is just unfathomable to me. I cannot imagine Jesse trying alcohol or tobacco or pot right now. Once I started high school, drinking was what we did on the weekends...we drank, we partied, we drove, some of us died. I think God or the angels must pay special attention to the driving teenagers; there are so many occasions I could have killed someone if not myself and it's only by God's grace that such was not the case.

So, I've decided that I do not want to be drunk for Jesse's adolescence. In this past week of sobriety, it has become so clear to me what alcohol has prevented me from experiencing: a deep and profound connection to the love of God. Because, now, in sobriety? The level of love that I'm feeling, and giving and receiving is just huge and beyond description. When I've woken at 3am this past week and no longer lay there and fret, I just lay there and experience love. I experience my situation, my blessings and my grace by the sight of the eye of my heart that is truly, going through remarkable healing.

My yogini, Gwen, shared a dream she had last week in which she held her hand inches away from my back heart chakra and said, "Wow, this woman's love is BIG! It's HUGE!"

And ya know what? That's all I need to know. Spiritual/mid-life/ crisis complete. I have BIG LOVE. That's all I need to know to continue down my chosen path and create healing wherever I go with this big huge love I've been blessed with. Love isn't ego, love isn't pride, love is simply the magic wand that each and everyone of us was gifted with when we incarnated. I think I dropped mine years ago, but miraculously, here it is again, in my hand, in my heart, serving God, serving Love.

Rejoice today, in the knowledge that you are loved.

Namaste`,
Connie

I don't know what to do

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do!

Tell the truth.

I'm bored with my life and I don't know what to do about it. I keep thinking I must
DO something with my life when what I should be doing is experiencing my life
as it is in this moment, filled with grace and warmth and comforting things and
people who love me and pets who love me even more and ask nothing of me
other than to feed them and take them for a walk and somehow it just doesn't
feel like ENOUGH!

On Sunday I had a spiritual epiphany. I was moved to tears by the anthem sung
by the choir at church. "Here I am Lord". I moved from tears to weeping and from
weeping to sobbing and then the sun was shining on my face through a pane of glass
at least hundreds of years old and I was surrounded by a community of people all
gathered together in one place, each experiencing their personal relationship with God.
I felt myself surrender a little more to this entity know as Christ. Not the historical Christ,
not the literal Christ Jesus who walked the earth for 33 years 2007 years ago. Not the MAN
but the consciousness. Not the MAN, but the energy of Divine that is capable of manifesting
itself in every human being.

Ricki Lee Jones has recorded a new album, an interpretation of the actual words that
Jesus spoke. After ten years as an Episcopalian, this is what I've heard from the mouth
of Christ:

"Go in peace to love and serve your God."
"Love your God above all others."
"Love your neighbor, as yourself."
"Love one another. Forgive one another".

That's about it. That's the crux of what the sky God felt the folks of the middle eastern
region of the planet Earth needed to hear 2000 years ago. So he sent a teacher, a rabbi. And
word got around that you didn't need an interventionist to talk to Abba...a term of
endearment for Father. Jesus said, just tallk to Him.

Just as Taoist and Buddhists teach that simplicity is the way to enlightenment, I think
that was Jesus' message too. And I guess it boils down to the fact that being in
relationship with a God or with self; whether your purpose is to lose your ego and
make your mind like the empty sky or attempting to go in peace to serve something
Divine in each of us and in this beautiful world, the truth is that it can feel like big huge
tough work to simply get out of bed and love yourself in a day.