Do Nothing, Just Love

My last post was less than a week ago and I felt that I was in spiritual crisis...not knowing what to do, feeling like if I wasn't careful I was going to miss out on some big huge turn I was supposed to make in my life.

I quit drinking alcohol a week ago, on Jesse's 13th birthday. Cocktails with Chris in the evening had become a daily ritual that I found myself looking just a little too forward to. My problem with alcohol has always been the desire to just keep drinking once I got started. If I made a drink before dinner, well, it would turn in to two or three and by 9pm I was tired, angry and just pretty much wanted to be left alone. I'm a happy drunk, at least until I'm not...

I had my first drunk (and consequent hang-over) in 7th grade, on Gallo Burgundy. I had my first cigarette that year as well and smoked for another 23 years before giving it up for good. I was Jesse's age, which in comparison is just unfathomable to me. I cannot imagine Jesse trying alcohol or tobacco or pot right now. Once I started high school, drinking was what we did on the weekends...we drank, we partied, we drove, some of us died. I think God or the angels must pay special attention to the driving teenagers; there are so many occasions I could have killed someone if not myself and it's only by God's grace that such was not the case.

So, I've decided that I do not want to be drunk for Jesse's adolescence. In this past week of sobriety, it has become so clear to me what alcohol has prevented me from experiencing: a deep and profound connection to the love of God. Because, now, in sobriety? The level of love that I'm feeling, and giving and receiving is just huge and beyond description. When I've woken at 3am this past week and no longer lay there and fret, I just lay there and experience love. I experience my situation, my blessings and my grace by the sight of the eye of my heart that is truly, going through remarkable healing.

My yogini, Gwen, shared a dream she had last week in which she held her hand inches away from my back heart chakra and said, "Wow, this woman's love is BIG! It's HUGE!"

And ya know what? That's all I need to know. Spiritual/mid-life/ crisis complete. I have BIG LOVE. That's all I need to know to continue down my chosen path and create healing wherever I go with this big huge love I've been blessed with. Love isn't ego, love isn't pride, love is simply the magic wand that each and everyone of us was gifted with when we incarnated. I think I dropped mine years ago, but miraculously, here it is again, in my hand, in my heart, serving God, serving Love.

Rejoice today, in the knowledge that you are loved.

Namaste`,
Connie