She's Gone

For a person who feels a close affinity and connection to the spirit world, to Divine source energy, to the ever expanding universe, it has been a surprise to me to experience the extent to which Lucy is just GONE. Perhaps I romantically fantacized that her spirit would linger, that I would feel her essence still but from the moment the weight of her head dropped into my hand, she was and is completely gone.
I miss her softness, but celebrate her freedom. I miss her kisses on my face, but celebrate her freedom. I miss curling her into my body in bed, but I embrace once again my beloved Christopher whose embrace I once again curl into now that there isn't that little white fur baby between us in bed.
All things are viewed as a gift in my world of color and light, and for the gift of Lucy I am deeply grateful.

I count myself fortunate that in 50 years, Lucy's euthanasia was the first I've experienced. I have said goodby to a pet or two in my time, but never as decisive as Lucy's death was; I had to decide to end her life and if it felt rather a heavy weight to make that choice for an animal, I'm deeply grateful for the healing light of grace and beauty and compassionate veteranarians to ease the decision making and comfort the action of her dying.

I hope at my own death to close my eyes in this world and wake up in another where the mericful assistance to end suffering is as logical, compassionate and holy choice.

Om Shanti,
Om, Peace
Connie

In the Deep

Death don't Scare Me

"I don't fear death because I have complete and total faith: if there are experiences beyond physical reality when life ends, I feel certain they will be at least as wonderful as this life with  Mother Earth. "

Om Shanti,

Connie

Embracing My Inner Ding Bat

Oh dear God, I did the silliest thing yesterday! The last thing I did before leaving the house was pull a frozen entree out of the freezer for lunch at the studio. When I got home at 5pm, the freezer door was wide open and all food in the freezer was defrosted. What kind of fool doesn't close the freezer door!

I'm telling you, this menopause short term memory loss is simply astonishing at times. I have put alot of energy over the years into being "on top" of things but it has become apparent that that is just no longer possible. I am now forced to embrace this inner ding-bat that I buried so long ago when being in control and being on top and being successful and approved of and being popular and being attractive were what I thought I needed to survive. Now? Eh, not so much!

I made a big passage yesterday as well: at the grocery store where I was restocking the now empty and CLEAN freezer, I was offered the senior citizen discount. "Oh my God, are you kidding me? I'm gonna go back to coloring my hair!" The checker Annette said, "we gotta ask everybody". So I let go of ego and said, "sure, I'll take the discount, thank you!" I'm just glad she didn't card me! I've still got five years before I'm a bona fide deserving recipient of that 5% discount at Marketplace!

In as much as the first half of my life may have been in the pursuit of "getting together", I'm beginning to realize that the second half of my life, (or hell, the last weeks of my life, for who knows when they will die? My life could have half over YEARS ago!) that the lessons will be in the letting go. My new mantra: let go, let go, let go.

Om shanti,
Peace~
Connie

Lucy

Hi Ann,
It probably comes as no surprise that someone else sent me the rainbow bridge story as a comment on the blog. It is a sweet story and a lovely image and I have come to the conclusion that unless we create an afterlife for ourselves we probably won't get one, so the rainbow bridge is a great place to start! I look forward to seeing Mitzi, Luna and Lucy running toward me and collectively knocking me down in surrender to be covered with licks and slobber!

Yesterday was sooo sad walking to the studio alone. I realize how much of a "familiar" Lucy has been for me. It's possible that we all have animal spirit guides and Lucy manifested for me when I needed a warm body to hold onto and love and perhaps even create a shield between my broken heart and the world. But my god, the gift of the dream, hours before her death...it's indescribable how comforting the image of us bound together in pure light is.

And your experience, with the lucid dream and your Lucy's presence right there. I have had similar experiences and the deep ecstacy of those moments is almost indescribable isn't it? I'm curious if you were practicing yoga at this time? I have come to believe that the yoga practice opens our minds to such richer and deeper spiritual experiences of all kinds and I would venture a guess that it is because of your practice that YOU were able to manifest your dear Lucy for those moments out of your own deep and profound longing and desire to touch her again. And the miracle Ann, is that we are capable of doing that at any time, but we've been so trained away from our own inate power that we miss the miracles we are capable of manifesting daily Your love and support and prayers on this journey have meant so much to me and thank you for traveling this road with me. Thank you to everyone who have sent comments and condolences. The death of a pet is a universal sorrow, and I share the loss with all who have walked this
road of loving the speechless, furry creatures who fill our days with loving kindness.

Om Shanti,
Connie

Lucy's Last Day

In my dream Lucy is in my arms and the walls of the white room begin to fold up around us. Momentarily, we are afraid we will be crushed but instead three walls form a pyramid around us, encapsulating us in a sacred space and we begin to revolve, our two spirits like a double helix; spining within a cone of white light, a spiral of blue ethereal energy cleaving us together at our core, heart to heart, we spin, eternally.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I am most grateful for the gift of this dream early this morning, when Lucy and I finally fell asleep after many restless hours. What began with a cough two months ago, ended with a sigh today around noon. She was not scared, not anxious, just one very tired little dog, now set free from a physical form that her at times; ear infections, skin allergies, itching, a bout with fleas and constant feet chewing, and finally, cancer in her lungs. Her little soul chose an imperfect but beautiful body to incarnate into for these four and half years on earth. She was a deeply loving heart in the form of a white furry dog body, truly, one of the prettiest dogs I've ever met.

When I got to the vet at 11:30am, I couldn't speak through the tears. They put us in a room and I lay her down on a blanket I'd brought from home. I noted that the door was left open...which I felt as a kind touch. It was 20 minutes or so before the doctor came in so I had sweet, quiet time with my girl. She was just so tired! I find it ironic that Lucy developed lung cancer in her fourth year while I developed asthma when I was four. I remember how awful it was not being able to breathe and I know I wished someone would put me out of my misery many times throughout my experiences with childhood asthma.

When the doctor came in, I said that I knew Lucy was ready to go. He left for a few moments and returned with an assistant and a syringe of pink fluid. When he turned on the clippers to shave a little of her leg fur for the needle, she didn't seem to notice. I closed my eyes and visualized that incredible dream as I whispered my love to Lucy, such a good girl, thanking her for arriving in my life...it was May 2005 and I needed saving from an abyssmal depression at the end of my last manic episode. Lucy saved me (as well as Dr. Eleanora Woloy, M.D. and Lexapro) and for this I'm eternally grateful. In my reality, we both completed the work we unconsciously agreed to accomplish with each other and for each of us, it ends with the letting go.

With my eyes closed, I FELT the last moments of her life and then her head fell heavily into my hand and her last breath ended. The blissful gift of release, so rapid and full with relief! I kept saying "thank you, thank you", and the doctor said, "your'e welcome", and yes, thank you Dr. Hallstrom of Dog and Cat Hospital of Norfolk, VA for doing the heavy lifting in the death of my beloved Lucy, but I was thanking her for all this love she filled my heart with in the last two and half years.

Thank you Lucy, for your undying spirit of giving and giving and giving more love, I'm so glad that you found me, a veritable sponge for all that love and devotion you had to offer. Thank you for teaching me what it is to love big and without reservation. Thank you for your constant companionship in this time that I've known you. Thank you for the gift of your beautiful face to be delighted by, the warmth and softness of your white furriness....the depth of your soul that I now carry, in my heart. You are welcome to stay with me as long as you like and I send you blessings of love and peace and joy for a life well lived.

Namaste` Lucy.

I know what I have to do and I don't want to do it.

Lucy's quality of life is so diminished.  She sleeps and any exertion creates more labored breathing and coughing and gagging.  Last Tuesday I felt sure it was time to euthanize but then she woke up all bright-eyed and I just couldn't do it.  But she's not eating...just a little bacon today and my concern is that her throat hurts from the coughing and gagging.

I'm beginning to feel selfish with my desire to continue to enjoy her physical presence but this just isn't fair to her.   Here I am starting to cry and she just looks at me like, "whatsthemattermom?"  But I notice how stress is getting to her, anything going on in the household that isn't calm and peaceful brings on more distress for her.  I know it's time and I just need to LET GO.

I've got an appointment tomorrow for Dr. Gerlach to assess her condition.  If he feels it's time to let her go, then I will.  I just don't want her to be scared and the vet office has historically caused her stress.   I'd really like her to be at home in our bed.  I feel like that would be the final gift for her.  

Please send us lots of love and prayers for Lucy's transition. 

Lucy Fading

I just made a difficult phone call to Dr. Gerlach, asking if he was in the practice of visiting homes to euthanize ailing pets.  Lucy is beginning to show signs of suffering.  Her appetite (for donuts!) is gone, and though she loves her nightly walk,  she can't make it very far and I carry her home. 

Food and walks have been her joys in life and without them, this isn't much of a life.  Her little body is hardening...she's not getting much oxygen because her breathing is so shallow, she has so little prana and no way to get more.  

Last night in bed she was groaning alot, which indicates pain to me; she's coughing and choking more, her lungs are so compromised, I can hear how much fluid and congestion there is there.  In a few more days, I feel I must choose to end her life peacefully or watch her deteriorate further.  She is such a beautiful little animal, I do not want to rob her of that as well.

Lucy Update

Lucy continues to behave as though she is living, not dying. I continue to invest my energy and thoughts into her life, not her death.  

The Christians believe that nothing can separate them from God's love, or at least that is what the Bible tells them is truth.  I feel the same with Lucy; in her presence I feel her love, in her absence that love will continue to exist in my heart, in my memory, in the space we have shared.  

I would love for Lucy to be one of those miracle pets who lives for years after a cancer scare, but I recognize that her time on earth is finite, just as mine is and there is a purpose to our pouring our love into our pets who we consciously know will not outlive us.  She is such a beautiful, gentle and loving soul in her essence.  She teaches me continually what it is to be present for all the love coming her way.  I wish you could see Lucy react to a human being entering her space.  Stranger or not, her little tail stub hind end just starts wiggling away and she just magically draws people into her love bubble.  It is so cool to watch.  This dog lives to bring joy to humanity and she does it so effortlessly. OY!  She teaches me so much!