Lucy's Last Day

In my dream Lucy is in my arms and the walls of the white room begin to fold up around us. Momentarily, we are afraid we will be crushed but instead three walls form a pyramid around us, encapsulating us in a sacred space and we begin to revolve, our two spirits like a double helix; spining within a cone of white light, a spiral of blue ethereal energy cleaving us together at our core, heart to heart, we spin, eternally.
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I am most grateful for the gift of this dream early this morning, when Lucy and I finally fell asleep after many restless hours. What began with a cough two months ago, ended with a sigh today around noon. She was not scared, not anxious, just one very tired little dog, now set free from a physical form that her at times; ear infections, skin allergies, itching, a bout with fleas and constant feet chewing, and finally, cancer in her lungs. Her little soul chose an imperfect but beautiful body to incarnate into for these four and half years on earth. She was a deeply loving heart in the form of a white furry dog body, truly, one of the prettiest dogs I've ever met.

When I got to the vet at 11:30am, I couldn't speak through the tears. They put us in a room and I lay her down on a blanket I'd brought from home. I noted that the door was left open...which I felt as a kind touch. It was 20 minutes or so before the doctor came in so I had sweet, quiet time with my girl. She was just so tired! I find it ironic that Lucy developed lung cancer in her fourth year while I developed asthma when I was four. I remember how awful it was not being able to breathe and I know I wished someone would put me out of my misery many times throughout my experiences with childhood asthma.

When the doctor came in, I said that I knew Lucy was ready to go. He left for a few moments and returned with an assistant and a syringe of pink fluid. When he turned on the clippers to shave a little of her leg fur for the needle, she didn't seem to notice. I closed my eyes and visualized that incredible dream as I whispered my love to Lucy, such a good girl, thanking her for arriving in my life...it was May 2005 and I needed saving from an abyssmal depression at the end of my last manic episode. Lucy saved me (as well as Dr. Eleanora Woloy, M.D. and Lexapro) and for this I'm eternally grateful. In my reality, we both completed the work we unconsciously agreed to accomplish with each other and for each of us, it ends with the letting go.

With my eyes closed, I FELT the last moments of her life and then her head fell heavily into my hand and her last breath ended. The blissful gift of release, so rapid and full with relief! I kept saying "thank you, thank you", and the doctor said, "your'e welcome", and yes, thank you Dr. Hallstrom of Dog and Cat Hospital of Norfolk, VA for doing the heavy lifting in the death of my beloved Lucy, but I was thanking her for all this love she filled my heart with in the last two and half years.

Thank you Lucy, for your undying spirit of giving and giving and giving more love, I'm so glad that you found me, a veritable sponge for all that love and devotion you had to offer. Thank you for teaching me what it is to love big and without reservation. Thank you for your constant companionship in this time that I've known you. Thank you for the gift of your beautiful face to be delighted by, the warmth and softness of your white furriness....the depth of your soul that I now carry, in my heart. You are welcome to stay with me as long as you like and I send you blessings of love and peace and joy for a life well lived.

Namaste` Lucy.