The Clown I Grew Up With

Brooke: Where the hell are you. Will I be marrying you anytime soon? No pressure, really. Unless you need me to tell Jeff to get off his butt and make an honest woman of you. Or maybe it's you who needs to make an honest man of him. Or maybe you never plan to marry again. Who cares? Not my business, is it? My tongue is in my cheek for all previous sentences addressed to you.

Debbie: Everything will turn out ok in the end. And if it doesn't? It's not the end. (my friend Margaret is the first that said that to me). You are fine. You are beautiful. You are loved. What more do you want?

J'ordain: Happy, healthy, happy, healthy, happy, healthy, dead.

Kim: I think I just had red wine and Lake Champlain Organic Dark Chocolate for dinner. With a nibble on a brownie for an appetizer. And you?

Hi Doug and Sandye, I don't think I'm an Episcopalian anymore! What's a girl to do when chanting brings her closest to God?

OOOOMMMMMMM MANI PADRE OOOOMMMMMM
Love to you ALL!

Connie


And one last thing: What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?

Mother

Mother's Day 2007. I am not a big fan of Hallmark Holidays, but Jesse gave me a fabulous painting in the impressionist style, not unlike Monet's Water Lillies. It is absolutely wonderful but he says it's horrible. Me thinks he protest too much. My hope is that he is proud of his work because I certainly am! He has a hard time doing things the art teacher's way and I think that sometimes distractes him from the nature of his intrinsic talent.

I've thought alot about the nature of mothering this week and of course, my own mother. Our most recent blood-letting took the form of a Christmas visit...her to me...California to Virginia. I think I managed about four hours of hospitality before the fight or flight response that being in my mother's presence stimulates in my nervous system kicked in. The dynamic got progressively worse for the following four days until I just had to leave her to fend for herself her last 24 hours here, which was a day longer than we had agreed upon in the first place. I can feel my chest starting to tighten just writing about her and remembering the stress and discomfort of that visit; a visit that can best be characterized as the last one I mean to have with my mother.

I want to divorce my mother. I want nothing to do with her. I cannot begin to imagine what I could possibly learn from remaining in relationship with Dawn. The very best I can attempt on my own, three thousand miles away is tolerance of her particular life journey on Earth and compassion for how very ill-equipped she is for it. So, tolerance and compassion are what I can continue to learn, but I do not need to be in contact with her to practice them. I am tolerant and compassionate towards my mother, I just want nothing more to do with her.

My priest, when I told him I wanted to divorce my mother said, "Well, you can't, the BIble says to honor thy mother and father". Well, there is no better way to motivate me to do something than to tell me I can't do it.

"Honor your parents" is not a universal truth that my spiritual development hangs on. "Honor your parent" is religious dogma that keeps parents and children in unhappy and painful relationships. I am not capable of honoring my mother because she is not an honorable person. I am not capable of respecting a parent for whom I have no respect. Dawn was a vessel my soul used to incarnate into this life. Who knows why I chose a hostile and inhospitable womb to incubate in, but I did and everything turned out ok.

Yes, I believe that the soul chooses it's parents but that we FIND our family out in the world, especially once our biological parents have no more to teach us. The truth now though, is that the womb I chose to birth from doesn't even exist! It was surgically removed and destroyed years ago...there is no shred of a physcial connection left to the woman I grew up the daughter of. I moved 3000 miles away from her 23 years ago for the sake of self-preservation and I have no regrets regarding that choice.

The word's of wisdom Dawn repeated over and over were, "to thine own self be true". This to me means a life seeking the true self, that spark of God light that we all carry, that is rooted in our authentic self. My mother's version of "to thine own self be true" was a more superficial interpretation that looks like stingy selfishness. Am I terrified of becoming my mother? Yes, you betcha, but I feel certain there is no danger of that. You'd have to know my mother and you'd have to know me to understand why I feel so strongly about that.

I have a friend, someone I work with, who recently told me of her mother beating her until she lied...of her drunken mother beating her black and blue. This woman doesn't speak to her mother and hasn't for years. And why the hell should she? At what point do we get to let go of Judeo-Christian guilt about honoring parents who deserve no honor and haven't earned the respect that honoring someone would require? For me, for my friend, for every woman out there who has disowned her mother, that point is now.

Mourning the Fallen

9 dead, 20 wounded



Fifteen members of the 82nd Airborne Unit from Fort Bragg NC have been killed in Iraq this month. Nine of these soldiers died yesterday. Shall we all don camoflauge and honor the fallen in a National Day of Mourning as many, dressed in the orange and maroon, did last Friday for the 32 civilians killed at Va. Tech?

This madness has got to stop! I felt completely non-plussed by last weeks headlines. This isn't to say that I don't feel compassion for the families of the dead. But since the inception of the Iraq war, there are a total of three months that less than 32 American soldiers died. When do they get their National Day of Mourning?

Content vs. Happy

Link

So, spring is finally here and I am gently poking my head out of the burrow I create for wintering. I DO come out because I HAVE to during the cold months, but it is not my true nature. I was an Indian Summer baby...spring, summer, fall? All pretty darn great for me psychologically, but winter and shadows and darkness are not aspects of nature that I am naturally attuned to. I’m not happy in the winter and I’m here to report that I’m beginning to unplug from the whole fantasy of “happiness” being some ideal that our culture has bought into when in reality, most folks don’t even take the time to question just what happiness would look like if they met it in a dark alley in February or the Fields of Folly amidst swaying sunflowers in August! Me? I’ll settle for contentment. I’ll settle for not depressed, not manic, but simply, content.

Pray for Elizabeth click here

Please become part of a miracle in the making!
Visit the link and say a prayer for healing.
Namaste`,
Connie

The language of God

Perhaps it is the language of organized religion that creates division. Perhaps getting too specific about
who said what when throws up perceptual roadblocks, conceived by individual experience. Perhaps it is
fear of the unknown and indolence on my part that keeps me in the dark with Muhammed rather than illuminate
for myself the wisdom he was sent to share. Perhaps the humble Gandhi is my guide precisely because it is the lesson of humility I have been sent here to learn. Gandhi was a Christ. Christ was a Gandhi.

We've been sent so many messengers in 2000 years, all with voices that speak of ascending to a
higher level of peace within the heart of our physical bodies. All the prophets have radiated wisdom
from their heart. All of them said "be here now", put the past behind you, be present for the now because THAT is
where God IS.

Pray for Elizabeth

In my humble opinion, we've been gifted with an opportunity for unity as a nation, to create a miracle. Being the idealist and optimist that I am, isn't it possible that the purpose to Elizabeth Edwards' cancer recurrance is to galvanize us
as "one nation under God" to prayer for her healing? Please go to
this address and pray for Elizabeth. Thank you.

http://prayforelizabeth.org/

Sobriety

I haven't had a drink in over six weeks. My GOD, life is boring without booze.

But alas, I recognized that 35 years of drinking had culminated in a daily drinking pattern that once I'd started,
I didn't want to stop, and ultimately I'd end my day drunk, tired, irritable and downright unpleasant by 9pm.
And I was looking forward to 5pm a little too much, aching to get home to mix a martini.

I also recognized that my drinking was an obstacle to my relationship with God. I recognized
that my chances of achieving the union with God that I so desire were much improved if I wasn't
putting alcohol between me and the fierce reality of the big huge tough work that a relationship
with God, IN God requires.

So, life is a little boring...so much of my social life centered around alcohol and the truth
for me is that I'm not ready to be around drinkers, I feel so disconnected from the "pulse"
that alcohol creates. I've been concerned about how my relationship with Chris would be
affected, and ultimately, I think my not drinking has been a positive change for us. The term
"enabling" certainly applied to our drinking behavior and I found that it excluded Jesse
as well, since Chris and I would get into this groove of conversation that would often end up
heavy and over Jesse's head and he'd just go off and do his own thing.

I truly miss it though, just like I've missed smoking cigarettes with cocktails all these
years. But I do feel healthier, and happier and don't wake up with a headache every morning
and I feel more peaceful, knowing that today, there is one less obstacle that I'm creating
between myself and the Creator.

Namaste`,
Connie

Yoga Vision

While in final relaxation in yoga today, I got a vision of Nick Wheeler in church, holding a beautiful apricot cockatiel. I bent close to hear what the bird had to tell me, with complete faith that I would be able to understand whatever it had to say. I also thought it might poke around in my mouth with it's beak if I opened my mouth. It was a lovely little vision...I wonder what the message was!

Wise Words

I found this at dawnamarkova.com. I hope she won't mind my broadcasting her brilliance and linking you to her site.


I will not die an unlived life
I will not live in fear
Of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
To allow my living to open me
To make me less afraid,
More accessible
To loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance;
To live
So that which came to me as seed
Goes to the next as blossom
And that which came to me as blossom,
Goes on as fruit.

Dawna Markova

Chapel of Love

Wow, what a ride this past year has been...I cast about in all directions, seeking some deeper meaning and guidance for what I was meant to do next. I've slowly been accepting the idea that I am coming to the end of my shelf life as a jewelry artist. I always said that when my eyes went, I'd know it was time to stop. My eyes are doing ok but my hands are surely feeling the strain of the fine work I've been doing for 16 years. I am choosing to listen to my body and move into the new arena that I'm so very excited and passionate about; wedding officiating.

I love my little studio so much and I couldn't bear to give it up. I want to transform it into a wedding chapel! I read an article over the weekend in the New York times that stated the average American wedding carries a price tag of $27,856!! This is insanity! My vision is to create meaningful, marriage-focused wedding for a fraction of that price. It's my intention to return to a solid spiritual and meaningful ritual to the sacrament of marriage and I believe that I've been called to a ministry that does just that!

I attended a bridal show with my jewelry in January and more than anyhing else, what I saw was a huge number of brides and vendors, both with dollar signs in their eyes. The sound-track for the show should have been a loop of cash registers ringing! It's not my intention to get in on the action of a $30,000 wedding. The dress and the flowers and the caterer are all lovely, it's nice to throw a party, but it's ludicrous to throw money away or charge 3 times as much just because there's a five figure wedding budget! For 10% of that amount, I'm going to offer simplicity and dignity, ceremony, ritual and personalized vows that mean something profound to the bride and groom.

What makes sense is to finish the business of the Connie Hann Jewels this year in 2007, then take the winter to transform the little house into a chapel and open those doors on the first day of spring 2008. This is so cool, so doable, so NEEDED and I hope that it all falls into place beautifully.

Last night I dreamt that I found a dress of my grandmothers that she wore as a matron of honor. It had her name on it, and it fit me. How perfect is that for guidance that I'm moving in the right direction?

Wish me well!

Do Nothing, Just Love

My last post was less than a week ago and I felt that I was in spiritual crisis...not knowing what to do, feeling like if I wasn't careful I was going to miss out on some big huge turn I was supposed to make in my life.

I quit drinking alcohol a week ago, on Jesse's 13th birthday. Cocktails with Chris in the evening had become a daily ritual that I found myself looking just a little too forward to. My problem with alcohol has always been the desire to just keep drinking once I got started. If I made a drink before dinner, well, it would turn in to two or three and by 9pm I was tired, angry and just pretty much wanted to be left alone. I'm a happy drunk, at least until I'm not...

I had my first drunk (and consequent hang-over) in 7th grade, on Gallo Burgundy. I had my first cigarette that year as well and smoked for another 23 years before giving it up for good. I was Jesse's age, which in comparison is just unfathomable to me. I cannot imagine Jesse trying alcohol or tobacco or pot right now. Once I started high school, drinking was what we did on the weekends...we drank, we partied, we drove, some of us died. I think God or the angels must pay special attention to the driving teenagers; there are so many occasions I could have killed someone if not myself and it's only by God's grace that such was not the case.

So, I've decided that I do not want to be drunk for Jesse's adolescence. In this past week of sobriety, it has become so clear to me what alcohol has prevented me from experiencing: a deep and profound connection to the love of God. Because, now, in sobriety? The level of love that I'm feeling, and giving and receiving is just huge and beyond description. When I've woken at 3am this past week and no longer lay there and fret, I just lay there and experience love. I experience my situation, my blessings and my grace by the sight of the eye of my heart that is truly, going through remarkable healing.

My yogini, Gwen, shared a dream she had last week in which she held her hand inches away from my back heart chakra and said, "Wow, this woman's love is BIG! It's HUGE!"

And ya know what? That's all I need to know. Spiritual/mid-life/ crisis complete. I have BIG LOVE. That's all I need to know to continue down my chosen path and create healing wherever I go with this big huge love I've been blessed with. Love isn't ego, love isn't pride, love is simply the magic wand that each and everyone of us was gifted with when we incarnated. I think I dropped mine years ago, but miraculously, here it is again, in my hand, in my heart, serving God, serving Love.

Rejoice today, in the knowledge that you are loved.

Namaste`,
Connie

I don't know what to do

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do!

Tell the truth.

I'm bored with my life and I don't know what to do about it. I keep thinking I must
DO something with my life when what I should be doing is experiencing my life
as it is in this moment, filled with grace and warmth and comforting things and
people who love me and pets who love me even more and ask nothing of me
other than to feed them and take them for a walk and somehow it just doesn't
feel like ENOUGH!

On Sunday I had a spiritual epiphany. I was moved to tears by the anthem sung
by the choir at church. "Here I am Lord". I moved from tears to weeping and from
weeping to sobbing and then the sun was shining on my face through a pane of glass
at least hundreds of years old and I was surrounded by a community of people all
gathered together in one place, each experiencing their personal relationship with God.
I felt myself surrender a little more to this entity know as Christ. Not the historical Christ,
not the literal Christ Jesus who walked the earth for 33 years 2007 years ago. Not the MAN
but the consciousness. Not the MAN, but the energy of Divine that is capable of manifesting
itself in every human being.

Ricki Lee Jones has recorded a new album, an interpretation of the actual words that
Jesus spoke. After ten years as an Episcopalian, this is what I've heard from the mouth
of Christ:

"Go in peace to love and serve your God."
"Love your God above all others."
"Love your neighbor, as yourself."
"Love one another. Forgive one another".

That's about it. That's the crux of what the sky God felt the folks of the middle eastern
region of the planet Earth needed to hear 2000 years ago. So he sent a teacher, a rabbi. And
word got around that you didn't need an interventionist to talk to Abba...a term of
endearment for Father. Jesus said, just tallk to Him.

Just as Taoist and Buddhists teach that simplicity is the way to enlightenment, I think
that was Jesus' message too. And I guess it boils down to the fact that being in
relationship with a God or with self; whether your purpose is to lose your ego and
make your mind like the empty sky or attempting to go in peace to serve something
Divine in each of us and in this beautiful world, the truth is that it can feel like big huge
tough work to simply get out of bed and love yourself in a day.

New Mantra

I've got a new mantra to replace one I've been reciting for 13 years. This is the old one:

I, Connie, have complete and total fatih in the universe
to provide me with all that I need for a full and happy
life. Thank you God for my life.

My new one;

I, Connie, have complete and total faith that the
universe is conspiring to shower me with blessings.
For this I am truly grateful.

Namaste`

Letting my mother go

Christmas was a hellacious journey of intolerance with my 68 year old mother, whom I'd invited to spend Christmas with us in Virginia. Spending time with my mother is about as much fun as five days with a petulant 14 year old. My mother is not a mature person. My mother is not an intelligent person. My mother is not a nurturing person, a generous person, a spiritual person or capable of love in any form that I can recognize. We bring out the worst in one another and bicker back and forth. But because I know I am smarter than she is, I have the upper hand. So, when she returned home after the visit, the emails started and she told me exactly what she thinks is wrong with me and why we don't get along and you know what??? I DON"T CARE! I don't respect my mother or the choices she's made with her life. I hate that she is 68 and still chasing after men. It embarrasses me and I just want to tell her to grow up and get a life and stop reliving her abandonment issues over and over and over again! So I've decided to stop banging my head against this particular wall and just let go of the fact that I have a mother who is still living.

The Thought

The thought manifests as the word;
The word manifests as the deed;
The deed develops into habit;
And habit hardens into character.

So watch the thought and its ways with care,
And let it spring from love
Born out of concern for all beings.
---- The Buddha

Xena on Board

"Warriorship is a continual journey. To be a warrior is to learn to be genuine in every moment of your life."
Shambala the Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chogyam Trungpa


I was in Xena mode yesterday. Ever since I had the dream where she got out of my car, put her hands on her hips and telepathically asked me what needed to be done, I've been doing the work of owning the warrior energy that I have actually spent a good portion of my life avoiding, ignoring or simply disempowering through the skewed thinking of the tribal culture that says women are weaker than men.

My experience of the past year has taught me that very few men even exist out there. Most males I encounter are just little boys playing at trying to figure out what the hell it means to be a man. I have spent so much of my life within the illusion that men were the prize, when in truth, self-respect is the only true prize and when that gets bartered away in the battle of the sexes, it sometimes feels as though there isn't much lower to go.

I never watched Xena, Warrior Princess on television. What little knowledge I have of her came from cruising the internet for about 1/2 an hour on Saturday before my dinner party to honor her. But when a warrior princess comes to you in a dream and let's you know that she is fully on board, it's certainly time to do a little research, don't you think?

What I learned about her is that she is a fictional creation of someone's mind. She herself does not appear in the actual mythological stories her character interacts with, but her archetype is that of the Amazon warrior woman.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amazons

Amazon warriors were known for cutting off one of their breasts to improve their bow and arrow skills. How pragmatic can you get? And hasn't breast cancer become the new age intitiation into the tribe of current day Amazonians who battled the cancer beast and won? This isn't to say that all breast cancer survivors have transmuted their cancer into warrior energy, but I suspect that if we polled a great many of them, we would find an incredible cadre` of women with tremendous personal power, resources and strength.


What saddens me is the pain created through that initiation, but then, in my experience, pain is a great teacher and for some people, pain is the only lesson left before a higher consciousness can be achieved. So what do you do? You go through it! You stare it down, you look it in the eye and you tell it the get the hell out of the way and when it doesn't you step on it or over it or pass through it. Cancer as the great gatekeeper to the next level of acsension? Sure, why not? What is clear is that cancer is a modern day epidemic and thanks to men and women of science, whose life mission includes the challenge to create treatment and cure, the epidemic is being beat on a regular basis.

But back to Xena, and yesterday. You know, I am such a two sided coin of loving-kindness on one side and take no prisoners or bullshit on the other. My loving kindness self is forever collecting the broken and the scarred, the down and out and the lost in the woods people who cross my path. The pattern that I have continued to enter into is this need to fix and heal which lands me in the unpleasant position of being needed too much, or hounded too much for that which I so generously gave initially.

Like LaMont, the guy on Colley Ave who I employed to wash my car back in November. Now he behaves like he's on my payroll. I don't mind paying people for their work but I do mind when that also becomes a strain on my time and energy resources. On Christmas eve I gave him $20 and he promised to come back the following Sat. at 2pm and wash my car. Saturday came and no LaMont, and my thought is, great, now I'm rid of him. But he came back yesterday, at his convenience and I didn't answer the door, just stayed here doing what I was doing which is this: writing. I refused to get pulled into his drama and I refused to be interrupted from work that I truly wanted to be doing so that he could give me excuses for why he didn't show up. It's bullshit, and WHO NEEDS IT?

One of my resolutions this year is to not involve myself in the life and affairs of toxic people. That includes my mother, my friend and people like LaMont. I have become very selfish with my precious energy because I finally get just how powerful it is when it isn't a source for the likes of unconscious people who play at life. Don't get me wrong, I can pray for those people and prayer, in a pure form, is an awesome power to behold. But I can't continue to be drained by those without their own power source. If we can exchange energy, great, but anything else just isn't gonna serve my higher purpose for this year which is to inspire others to do what they love.

Xena lives.

To Diane

A wise man said:
"There is nothing I can give you
which you do not have:
but there is much, very much, that
while I cannot give it, you can take.

No heaven can come to us unless our hearts
find rest in today. Take heaven!
No peace lies in the future which is not hidden
in this present instant. Take peace!

The gloom of the world is but a shadow.
Behind it, yet within reach, is joy.
There is radiance and glory in the darkness, could
we but see,
and to see, we have only to look. I beseech you
to look."

Fra Giovanni

Alas, Christmas

In this season of remembrance,
of a light whose expression
had never before been imagined,
I wish you the peace and love of God
which passes all understanding.
May you be well and happy,
Connie

Swami Words of Wisdom

This weeks Words of Wisdom from Sri Swami Satchidananda:

“Let Us Come Together”

“Let us hope that one day we will all realize the unity in diversity and live as one global family in peace and joy. At least let us come together as spiritual brothers and sisters, because God is our unifying factor. We can understand the fundamentals of our own faith, and at the same time allow everybody else to follow their own approaches. May Yoga help us to maintain a disease-free body and a peaceful mind so that we can express our own true divine light by our very life itself. The Bible says, ‘Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.’ The mind that is freed from selfishness is a pure mind; only such a mind can reflect the image of God in us."