Dear Paige: Comfort Food

Recipe for Chocolate Blanc Mange, aka Chocolate pudding that Stands on it's Head!

1. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Or Tequila.
2. Find a pan in the completely disorganized cupboard cabinet. A pan
that will hold
at least six cups of fluid. (you won't need six cups of anything,
except perhaps wine or tequila).
3. Put 4 squares (remember 4-square from 4th grade and how ya wanted
to possess the
coolest trinket to throw for hop-scotch?) of semi-sweet Bakers
Chocolate in the pan you pulled
out of the disaster relief cupboard cabinet that has all the pots in
it. (Martha Stewart says that aluminium is the cause of Alzheimer's,
so if it's an aluminium pot you've chosen?: DRINK UP SHRINERS!)
4. Turn the heat on high. On the stove I mean, not with the DH. You
will instantly realize that if you keep the flame this high you will
have scorched chocolate forever embossed on the bottom of this pan,
which is going to give you Alzheimer's anyway, so have another sip of
wine/tequila and throw in a half a cup of milk to the chocolate, turn
the heat down to medium and start whisking it with a wire whisk. The
milk and the chocolate.
5. Beg the milk/chocolate not to curdle/scortch/burn/emboss while you
neglect it a second to find the cornstarch way in the back of the
pantry or cupboard. You may have to fight off the moths that have
bloomed out of that bag of flour you bought four months ago, but,
PERSERVERE, cuz this is comfort food and your family is not going to
care that you are sauced on wine/tequila when they taste what you have
created. 6. where were we?
7. In the pantry, looking for cornstarch. Go whisk the milk/chocolate
mixture cuz it's been more than a second or two by now, but do find
the cornstarch and put it in a PYREX 16 oz. measuring cup. Only 3
TABLESPOONS of it though, and add a 1/4 cup of milk [a two second
pour as they say in the BIZ] and stir it really fast with the fork
(You know, the one you turn the bacon with. ) you've left on the
counter since breakfast, so that milk and constarch BLEND, not lump.
8. GET BACK TO THE STOVE!
9. Whisk the the milk/choc. mixture another little while while it
slowly builds to a boil. You could hasten this by turning up the
heat, but, what the hell, there's all this wine/tequila to be drunk
and you've got time!
10. When the milk/choc. starts to boil, re-stir the cornstarch/milk
with the bacon/fork and whisk it into the now slowly/bubbling milk/
choc. which is in the pan you got from the Martha/Stewart nightmare
cabinet that DH never actually finished /sanding/staining/painting.
10. The pan! It's on the stove! WHISK what is in it!
11. Ok. calm down. Just turn the knob for FR down to low and slowly
whisk this velvety smooth, milk/choc/cornstarch melange that is
brewing in the Alzheimer's pot. Set the timer for 2.75 minutes and
breathe. Whisk slowly: this is a delightful dessert you are creating
for your family cuz you love them so much.
12. Refill wine/tequila glass.
13. BINGBONG...time's up.
14. Turn the stove off.
15.FOCUS
16. Find the toast crumb/peanut butter smeared butter and toss in 1
TBL. NO! Not into the wine/tequila. Into the pudding, dammit. How
can you have your pudding if you won't eat your meat?????
17. Take a breath. Find the vanilla. Eyeball a teaspoon of it and
throw it in the pot of pudding. WHISK, girl, WHISK! (Did you know
that Tequila, I mean Vanilla has ALCOHOL in it???)
18. ZOMG, you are done! NO, you are not! Find some cute little bowls
that match the number of eyes pleading with you to feed them. Divide
that number by half. This is how many bowls of pudding you need to
fill now. Fuck the dog, he's a dog, he doesn't get any! OK. Let him
lick the Alzheimer's pan once it's cooled off a bit and you've filled
the bowls with pudding.
19. Cover the little serving sized bowls with Martha Stewart Saran
Wrap/Handi Wrap. Do this only for the family members who despise
"skin" (oh, have another drink of wine/tequila) on their pudding. Put
the bowls in the fridge. Or outside on the sidewalk, this is ALASKA
by God!
20. Wait a while. Drink wine/tequila to taste.
21. Get the bowls in from the sidewalk and invert them onto little
saucers or the dog's dish if you insist on feeding him PEOPLE FOOD!
Hand out spoons to dip into these amazing mounds of chocolate pudding
you've made that can actually hold their shape when you turn them
upside down.
22. Send DH out into the snow for more wine/tequila.
Bon Apetite!!

xoxo
Connie