Holding her Own

Lucy continues to hold her own.  This has become such a zen experience. I feel so adrift...floating in this space of Lucy dying.  But she's still here and that brings me great joy.  She ate well today, even with a fever.  She took a little walk but the exertion wipes her out.  

My own body is not doing so well with managing this grief and loss.  I haven't been feeling well for about a week now...low energy, pain, lack of ambition.  Just want to sleep.   I recognize these are signs of depression, but I must go forward and be willing to experience this illness of Lucy's in the manner in which I am experiencing it.  

She is with me every day and the joy she continues to bring people is nothing short of astonishing.  She greets 99% of strangers with an exuberant desire to be loved and her cute little hind end tail stub just wiggles and wiggles....Lucy is a delight, as always!

A bad day

As I suspected, yesterday was really bad for Lucy.  She was lifeless...didn't eat, didn't want her cheese burger and barely drank water.  She had a fever, felt so hot to the touch and then would shiver and shake.  Bless her heart, she is so strong!  Today, you'd never know she was sick.   She shared a chicken wrap with me and when Sharon and her kids came over because a coffin had washed up in the flooding onto their backyard...(another story, not yet completed...) she had mashed potatoes and beef a roni!  So, her apetite is back and whatever infection she was fighting off yesterday, she successfully fought off.  

No walks today, we're weathering a NorEaster here in Norfolk...the flooding is pretty bad and lots of cars are submerged in what used to be parking lots.  I'm always amazed at the drivers who plow through high water only to turn their cars into useless water craft.  

Not surprising, I haven't been feeling well this week....I haven't left Lucy's side for exercise so my body is hurting all over.  Thankfully, I saw my acupuncturist Susan today and she helped a lot.  She gave me a flyer for a Accupuncture Veternarian.  I called her office but she is in China until the end of the month.  If Lucy is still with us then, I will take her for a visit to get a second opinion. 

Pray for Lucy, she is a sweety!

Connie

A good day

Lucy had a good day today.  She had energy for a nice stroll in the park, though she is not using her rear right leg much.  But, she trundles her butt down the street on her three little legs just as fast as she can go.  She loves seeing other dogs and is such a a good girl, I don't keep her leashed anymore if we're close to home and she knows the territory. She's very well behaved and listens to her commands.  I imagine she might be pooped out tomorrow, but for today, all is well.

It was a great food day!  A cheeseburger, licks of ice cream and some grilled tuna for dinner. She loves human food and has always felt she was so far above the whole dog food thing.  I mean,  what a bore, to have the same dry food everyday for an entire life. Wow.  I'd go nuts!  

I've always loved Lucy's size and her soft little body, but I can feel it hardening in places now, especially around her rib cage and her hind end isn't quite right.  Her physicality and her cuddliness I will greatly miss!  We were together all day, except for a few times that she stayed in the car...she likes it there and the weather has cooled and is breezy now so I don't worry about her overheating.

She tried to jump on the bed tonite and missed...it's not small feat since our bed is unnaturally high, even for me!  But that is the behavior that tipped me off initially, that something was not right with her.  I'm so proud of her when she does it but much prefer lifting her onto the bed at the point.  

For my time with Lucy today, I am deeply grateful.  May she be healed and happy and whole, even if death is her final healing.

Birthday Cake for Breakfast

There is such freedom in no longer worrying about what Lucy eats. Whatever Lucy eats is good, if it makes her happy and gives her energy. She loves birthday cake! Don't we all? I turned 50 yesterday and cake has always been a very powerful element to me!

SEPT. 20

Cancer is invisible, insidious and a silent killer. Lucy doesn't know she has cancer. She doesn't behave as though she is dying. Last night we went for a late walk and she chased rabbits and toddled along our circular route like any other night. The most obviously symptom of her illness is her short and shallow breathing. Her eyes are not as bright though, her prana, life force, is not high.

I'm grateful for the hours and hours I get to spend with her in a day. Yesterday I was away for only three hours and the rest of the day was spent in companionship and sharing the same space. I love being with Lucy. I am working on letting go of the illusion that we are separate, for indeed, I know that nothing separates us but the illusion of physical form created by the specific structure of our molecular, cellular, atomic "selves". I hope to retain the essence of Lucy after her body has died. I'm reminded of that song, "I know you by heart". I know Lucy by heart, she is my heart, outside of my body.

Lucy 9-18-08

We had a good day, though finding what she's willing to eat is always a challenge. Yesterday I succumbed and procured for the princess a Norfolk delicacy...the cheeseburger from Dog and Burger. There really is nothing better. Just plain: bun, juicy burger and a slice of melted cheese. I bite into it and then she removes the bite from the burger....while driving down the road to home of course.

I was out for several hours last night and the pull of my heart strings was intense. She gets so excited when I get home which sets off a coughing fit and wheezing and more shallow breath. But, she doesn't seem to know she's not well. Her behavior is mostly as it ever was....itching, biting, licking until she tires out and goes back to sleep. The poor dog has had a body that has not served her so well....ear infections, itching feet, itching skin, one has to assume that it's stressful for her to be constantly uncomfortable.

Today she had beef and barley soup and her beard smells like she had beef and barley soup!

I think a bath is in order...

Lucy Lives in Peacefulness Sept. 17, 2008

This was Lucy on Wed. Sept. 17, 2008. We love nothing more than cuddling in bed together. I take comfort in her gentleness, she takes comfort in my wide open hearted love for her.

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Lucy with Cancer, a journey begins

It started with a cough.  Aug. 15, 2008, Lucy emitted a dry and hacking croak from her throat. My first thought was kennel cough and though not fatal, I knew it can be difficult to treat and get rid of.  She was suffering from an ear infection as well so I took her to the vet to get treatment for her ears.  I mentioned the cough and the vet said it was probably allergies.  We treated her ears over the next couple of weeks but the cough did not improve and she began vomiting often.  She didn't act sick in any other way  but I felt certain I needed to have her re-examined.  

Dr. Gerlach at Dog and Cat Hospital in Norfolk has a fondness for Lucy because she looks a lot like his dog.  He X-rayed her chest and what we saw there was inexplicable: white fog all over the film.  There was a tiny sliver of clear lung tissue on the extreme left but the rest was stippled in white on that field of charcoal gray.  Diagnosis:  fungal infection, pneumonia or cancer.  He suggested a specialist and made the appointment for me with Dr. Beurdalay in Virginia Beach.  The first available appt. was six days hence and the wait felt long.  When I did get her there on the 10th, we were two hours late; Dr. Gerlach had written the appt. time incorrectly but we waited and Dr. Beurdalay graciously examined her anyway.  He is a sweet knowledgeable and attractive young man with a calm yet confident nature.  I imagine he sees lots of dogs in distress, given that he's an animal internist, but just being in his presence was a balm to my concern for Lucy.  I felt sure we were dealing with infection or pneumonia, it simply wasn't within my boundaries for Lucy to have cancer.

He kept her for the afternoon and performed an ultra-sound on her intestines and a lung wash under sedation.  The wash sends saline into the lungs and when it's suctioned  out,  cellular samples of whatever it is that was in her lungs are then available for analysis.  Once again, it was a six day wait for those results.  I called yesterday to find out if the results were back and the receptionist said that a nurse would call me back.  Dr. Beurdalay called me back within a few minutes to tell me that it was cancer in her lungs and that it likely started somewhere else and had metastasized in her lungs.  

So, Lucy has malignant, metastasized cancer in her lungs and there is palliative care to be provided but not much else.  It's the wait now, to see how she does, watch and wait and love her to her end.  

More later....

Connie