She's Gone

For a person who feels a close affinity and connection to the spirit world, to Divine source energy, to the ever expanding universe, it has been a surprise to me to experience the extent to which Lucy is just GONE. Perhaps I romantically fantacized that her spirit would linger, that I would feel her essence still but from the moment the weight of her head dropped into my hand, she was and is completely gone.
I miss her softness, but celebrate her freedom. I miss her kisses on my face, but celebrate her freedom. I miss curling her into my body in bed, but I embrace once again my beloved Christopher whose embrace I once again curl into now that there isn't that little white fur baby between us in bed.
All things are viewed as a gift in my world of color and light, and for the gift of Lucy I am deeply grateful.

I count myself fortunate that in 50 years, Lucy's euthanasia was the first I've experienced. I have said goodby to a pet or two in my time, but never as decisive as Lucy's death was; I had to decide to end her life and if it felt rather a heavy weight to make that choice for an animal, I'm deeply grateful for the healing light of grace and beauty and compassionate veteranarians to ease the decision making and comfort the action of her dying.

I hope at my own death to close my eyes in this world and wake up in another where the mericful assistance to end suffering is as logical, compassionate and holy choice.

Om Shanti,
Om, Peace
Connie

In the Deep

Death don't Scare Me

"I don't fear death because I have complete and total faith: if there are experiences beyond physical reality when life ends, I feel certain they will be at least as wonderful as this life with  Mother Earth. "

Om Shanti,

Connie

Embracing My Inner Ding Bat

Oh dear God, I did the silliest thing yesterday! The last thing I did before leaving the house was pull a frozen entree out of the freezer for lunch at the studio. When I got home at 5pm, the freezer door was wide open and all food in the freezer was defrosted. What kind of fool doesn't close the freezer door!

I'm telling you, this menopause short term memory loss is simply astonishing at times. I have put alot of energy over the years into being "on top" of things but it has become apparent that that is just no longer possible. I am now forced to embrace this inner ding-bat that I buried so long ago when being in control and being on top and being successful and approved of and being popular and being attractive were what I thought I needed to survive. Now? Eh, not so much!

I made a big passage yesterday as well: at the grocery store where I was restocking the now empty and CLEAN freezer, I was offered the senior citizen discount. "Oh my God, are you kidding me? I'm gonna go back to coloring my hair!" The checker Annette said, "we gotta ask everybody". So I let go of ego and said, "sure, I'll take the discount, thank you!" I'm just glad she didn't card me! I've still got five years before I'm a bona fide deserving recipient of that 5% discount at Marketplace!

In as much as the first half of my life may have been in the pursuit of "getting together", I'm beginning to realize that the second half of my life, (or hell, the last weeks of my life, for who knows when they will die? My life could have half over YEARS ago!) that the lessons will be in the letting go. My new mantra: let go, let go, let go.

Om shanti,
Peace~
Connie

Lucy

Hi Ann,
It probably comes as no surprise that someone else sent me the rainbow bridge story as a comment on the blog. It is a sweet story and a lovely image and I have come to the conclusion that unless we create an afterlife for ourselves we probably won't get one, so the rainbow bridge is a great place to start! I look forward to seeing Mitzi, Luna and Lucy running toward me and collectively knocking me down in surrender to be covered with licks and slobber!

Yesterday was sooo sad walking to the studio alone. I realize how much of a "familiar" Lucy has been for me. It's possible that we all have animal spirit guides and Lucy manifested for me when I needed a warm body to hold onto and love and perhaps even create a shield between my broken heart and the world. But my god, the gift of the dream, hours before her death...it's indescribable how comforting the image of us bound together in pure light is.

And your experience, with the lucid dream and your Lucy's presence right there. I have had similar experiences and the deep ecstacy of those moments is almost indescribable isn't it? I'm curious if you were practicing yoga at this time? I have come to believe that the yoga practice opens our minds to such richer and deeper spiritual experiences of all kinds and I would venture a guess that it is because of your practice that YOU were able to manifest your dear Lucy for those moments out of your own deep and profound longing and desire to touch her again. And the miracle Ann, is that we are capable of doing that at any time, but we've been so trained away from our own inate power that we miss the miracles we are capable of manifesting daily Your love and support and prayers on this journey have meant so much to me and thank you for traveling this road with me. Thank you to everyone who have sent comments and condolences. The death of a pet is a universal sorrow, and I share the loss with all who have walked this
road of loving the speechless, furry creatures who fill our days with loving kindness.

Om Shanti,
Connie

Lucy's Last Day

In my dream Lucy is in my arms and the walls of the white room begin to fold up around us. Momentarily, we are afraid we will be crushed but instead three walls form a pyramid around us, encapsulating us in a sacred space and we begin to revolve, our two spirits like a double helix; spining within a cone of white light, a spiral of blue ethereal energy cleaving us together at our core, heart to heart, we spin, eternally.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I am most grateful for the gift of this dream early this morning, when Lucy and I finally fell asleep after many restless hours. What began with a cough two months ago, ended with a sigh today around noon. She was not scared, not anxious, just one very tired little dog, now set free from a physical form that her at times; ear infections, skin allergies, itching, a bout with fleas and constant feet chewing, and finally, cancer in her lungs. Her little soul chose an imperfect but beautiful body to incarnate into for these four and half years on earth. She was a deeply loving heart in the form of a white furry dog body, truly, one of the prettiest dogs I've ever met.

When I got to the vet at 11:30am, I couldn't speak through the tears. They put us in a room and I lay her down on a blanket I'd brought from home. I noted that the door was left open...which I felt as a kind touch. It was 20 minutes or so before the doctor came in so I had sweet, quiet time with my girl. She was just so tired! I find it ironic that Lucy developed lung cancer in her fourth year while I developed asthma when I was four. I remember how awful it was not being able to breathe and I know I wished someone would put me out of my misery many times throughout my experiences with childhood asthma.

When the doctor came in, I said that I knew Lucy was ready to go. He left for a few moments and returned with an assistant and a syringe of pink fluid. When he turned on the clippers to shave a little of her leg fur for the needle, she didn't seem to notice. I closed my eyes and visualized that incredible dream as I whispered my love to Lucy, such a good girl, thanking her for arriving in my life...it was May 2005 and I needed saving from an abyssmal depression at the end of my last manic episode. Lucy saved me (as well as Dr. Eleanora Woloy, M.D. and Lexapro) and for this I'm eternally grateful. In my reality, we both completed the work we unconsciously agreed to accomplish with each other and for each of us, it ends with the letting go.

With my eyes closed, I FELT the last moments of her life and then her head fell heavily into my hand and her last breath ended. The blissful gift of release, so rapid and full with relief! I kept saying "thank you, thank you", and the doctor said, "your'e welcome", and yes, thank you Dr. Hallstrom of Dog and Cat Hospital of Norfolk, VA for doing the heavy lifting in the death of my beloved Lucy, but I was thanking her for all this love she filled my heart with in the last two and half years.

Thank you Lucy, for your undying spirit of giving and giving and giving more love, I'm so glad that you found me, a veritable sponge for all that love and devotion you had to offer. Thank you for teaching me what it is to love big and without reservation. Thank you for your constant companionship in this time that I've known you. Thank you for the gift of your beautiful face to be delighted by, the warmth and softness of your white furriness....the depth of your soul that I now carry, in my heart. You are welcome to stay with me as long as you like and I send you blessings of love and peace and joy for a life well lived.

Namaste` Lucy.

I know what I have to do and I don't want to do it.

Lucy's quality of life is so diminished.  She sleeps and any exertion creates more labored breathing and coughing and gagging.  Last Tuesday I felt sure it was time to euthanize but then she woke up all bright-eyed and I just couldn't do it.  But she's not eating...just a little bacon today and my concern is that her throat hurts from the coughing and gagging.

I'm beginning to feel selfish with my desire to continue to enjoy her physical presence but this just isn't fair to her.   Here I am starting to cry and she just looks at me like, "whatsthemattermom?"  But I notice how stress is getting to her, anything going on in the household that isn't calm and peaceful brings on more distress for her.  I know it's time and I just need to LET GO.

I've got an appointment tomorrow for Dr. Gerlach to assess her condition.  If he feels it's time to let her go, then I will.  I just don't want her to be scared and the vet office has historically caused her stress.   I'd really like her to be at home in our bed.  I feel like that would be the final gift for her.  

Please send us lots of love and prayers for Lucy's transition. 

Lucy Fading

I just made a difficult phone call to Dr. Gerlach, asking if he was in the practice of visiting homes to euthanize ailing pets.  Lucy is beginning to show signs of suffering.  Her appetite (for donuts!) is gone, and though she loves her nightly walk,  she can't make it very far and I carry her home. 

Food and walks have been her joys in life and without them, this isn't much of a life.  Her little body is hardening...she's not getting much oxygen because her breathing is so shallow, she has so little prana and no way to get more.  

Last night in bed she was groaning alot, which indicates pain to me; she's coughing and choking more, her lungs are so compromised, I can hear how much fluid and congestion there is there.  In a few more days, I feel I must choose to end her life peacefully or watch her deteriorate further.  She is such a beautiful little animal, I do not want to rob her of that as well.

Lucy Update

Lucy continues to behave as though she is living, not dying. I continue to invest my energy and thoughts into her life, not her death.  

The Christians believe that nothing can separate them from God's love, or at least that is what the Bible tells them is truth.  I feel the same with Lucy; in her presence I feel her love, in her absence that love will continue to exist in my heart, in my memory, in the space we have shared.  

I would love for Lucy to be one of those miracle pets who lives for years after a cancer scare, but I recognize that her time on earth is finite, just as mine is and there is a purpose to our pouring our love into our pets who we consciously know will not outlive us.  She is such a beautiful, gentle and loving soul in her essence.  She teaches me continually what it is to be present for all the love coming her way.  I wish you could see Lucy react to a human being entering her space.  Stranger or not, her little tail stub hind end just starts wiggling away and she just magically draws people into her love bubble.  It is so cool to watch.  This dog lives to bring joy to humanity and she does it so effortlessly. OY!  She teaches me so much! 

Holding her Own

Lucy continues to hold her own.  This has become such a zen experience. I feel so adrift...floating in this space of Lucy dying.  But she's still here and that brings me great joy.  She ate well today, even with a fever.  She took a little walk but the exertion wipes her out.  

My own body is not doing so well with managing this grief and loss.  I haven't been feeling well for about a week now...low energy, pain, lack of ambition.  Just want to sleep.   I recognize these are signs of depression, but I must go forward and be willing to experience this illness of Lucy's in the manner in which I am experiencing it.  

She is with me every day and the joy she continues to bring people is nothing short of astonishing.  She greets 99% of strangers with an exuberant desire to be loved and her cute little hind end tail stub just wiggles and wiggles....Lucy is a delight, as always!

A bad day

As I suspected, yesterday was really bad for Lucy.  She was lifeless...didn't eat, didn't want her cheese burger and barely drank water.  She had a fever, felt so hot to the touch and then would shiver and shake.  Bless her heart, she is so strong!  Today, you'd never know she was sick.   She shared a chicken wrap with me and when Sharon and her kids came over because a coffin had washed up in the flooding onto their backyard...(another story, not yet completed...) she had mashed potatoes and beef a roni!  So, her apetite is back and whatever infection she was fighting off yesterday, she successfully fought off.  

No walks today, we're weathering a NorEaster here in Norfolk...the flooding is pretty bad and lots of cars are submerged in what used to be parking lots.  I'm always amazed at the drivers who plow through high water only to turn their cars into useless water craft.  

Not surprising, I haven't been feeling well this week....I haven't left Lucy's side for exercise so my body is hurting all over.  Thankfully, I saw my acupuncturist Susan today and she helped a lot.  She gave me a flyer for a Accupuncture Veternarian.  I called her office but she is in China until the end of the month.  If Lucy is still with us then, I will take her for a visit to get a second opinion. 

Pray for Lucy, she is a sweety!

Connie

A good day

Lucy had a good day today.  She had energy for a nice stroll in the park, though she is not using her rear right leg much.  But, she trundles her butt down the street on her three little legs just as fast as she can go.  She loves seeing other dogs and is such a a good girl, I don't keep her leashed anymore if we're close to home and she knows the territory. She's very well behaved and listens to her commands.  I imagine she might be pooped out tomorrow, but for today, all is well.

It was a great food day!  A cheeseburger, licks of ice cream and some grilled tuna for dinner. She loves human food and has always felt she was so far above the whole dog food thing.  I mean,  what a bore, to have the same dry food everyday for an entire life. Wow.  I'd go nuts!  

I've always loved Lucy's size and her soft little body, but I can feel it hardening in places now, especially around her rib cage and her hind end isn't quite right.  Her physicality and her cuddliness I will greatly miss!  We were together all day, except for a few times that she stayed in the car...she likes it there and the weather has cooled and is breezy now so I don't worry about her overheating.

She tried to jump on the bed tonite and missed...it's not small feat since our bed is unnaturally high, even for me!  But that is the behavior that tipped me off initially, that something was not right with her.  I'm so proud of her when she does it but much prefer lifting her onto the bed at the point.  

For my time with Lucy today, I am deeply grateful.  May she be healed and happy and whole, even if death is her final healing.

Birthday Cake for Breakfast

There is such freedom in no longer worrying about what Lucy eats. Whatever Lucy eats is good, if it makes her happy and gives her energy. She loves birthday cake! Don't we all? I turned 50 yesterday and cake has always been a very powerful element to me!

SEPT. 20

Cancer is invisible, insidious and a silent killer. Lucy doesn't know she has cancer. She doesn't behave as though she is dying. Last night we went for a late walk and she chased rabbits and toddled along our circular route like any other night. The most obviously symptom of her illness is her short and shallow breathing. Her eyes are not as bright though, her prana, life force, is not high.

I'm grateful for the hours and hours I get to spend with her in a day. Yesterday I was away for only three hours and the rest of the day was spent in companionship and sharing the same space. I love being with Lucy. I am working on letting go of the illusion that we are separate, for indeed, I know that nothing separates us but the illusion of physical form created by the specific structure of our molecular, cellular, atomic "selves". I hope to retain the essence of Lucy after her body has died. I'm reminded of that song, "I know you by heart". I know Lucy by heart, she is my heart, outside of my body.

Lucy 9-18-08

We had a good day, though finding what she's willing to eat is always a challenge. Yesterday I succumbed and procured for the princess a Norfolk delicacy...the cheeseburger from Dog and Burger. There really is nothing better. Just plain: bun, juicy burger and a slice of melted cheese. I bite into it and then she removes the bite from the burger....while driving down the road to home of course.

I was out for several hours last night and the pull of my heart strings was intense. She gets so excited when I get home which sets off a coughing fit and wheezing and more shallow breath. But, she doesn't seem to know she's not well. Her behavior is mostly as it ever was....itching, biting, licking until she tires out and goes back to sleep. The poor dog has had a body that has not served her so well....ear infections, itching feet, itching skin, one has to assume that it's stressful for her to be constantly uncomfortable.

Today she had beef and barley soup and her beard smells like she had beef and barley soup!

I think a bath is in order...

Lucy Lives in Peacefulness Sept. 17, 2008

This was Lucy on Wed. Sept. 17, 2008. We love nothing more than cuddling in bed together. I take comfort in her gentleness, she takes comfort in my wide open hearted love for her.

iPeace

I have complete and total faith that the universe is now showering the earth in peace. Ipeace is an online community of peace loving individuals from around the world. I invite you to create your own page!

Visit iPeace

Lucy with Cancer, a journey begins

It started with a cough.  Aug. 15, 2008, Lucy emitted a dry and hacking croak from her throat. My first thought was kennel cough and though not fatal, I knew it can be difficult to treat and get rid of.  She was suffering from an ear infection as well so I took her to the vet to get treatment for her ears.  I mentioned the cough and the vet said it was probably allergies.  We treated her ears over the next couple of weeks but the cough did not improve and she began vomiting often.  She didn't act sick in any other way  but I felt certain I needed to have her re-examined.  

Dr. Gerlach at Dog and Cat Hospital in Norfolk has a fondness for Lucy because she looks a lot like his dog.  He X-rayed her chest and what we saw there was inexplicable: white fog all over the film.  There was a tiny sliver of clear lung tissue on the extreme left but the rest was stippled in white on that field of charcoal gray.  Diagnosis:  fungal infection, pneumonia or cancer.  He suggested a specialist and made the appointment for me with Dr. Beurdalay in Virginia Beach.  The first available appt. was six days hence and the wait felt long.  When I did get her there on the 10th, we were two hours late; Dr. Gerlach had written the appt. time incorrectly but we waited and Dr. Beurdalay graciously examined her anyway.  He is a sweet knowledgeable and attractive young man with a calm yet confident nature.  I imagine he sees lots of dogs in distress, given that he's an animal internist, but just being in his presence was a balm to my concern for Lucy.  I felt sure we were dealing with infection or pneumonia, it simply wasn't within my boundaries for Lucy to have cancer.

He kept her for the afternoon and performed an ultra-sound on her intestines and a lung wash under sedation.  The wash sends saline into the lungs and when it's suctioned  out,  cellular samples of whatever it is that was in her lungs are then available for analysis.  Once again, it was a six day wait for those results.  I called yesterday to find out if the results were back and the receptionist said that a nurse would call me back.  Dr. Beurdalay called me back within a few minutes to tell me that it was cancer in her lungs and that it likely started somewhere else and had metastasized in her lungs.  

So, Lucy has malignant, metastasized cancer in her lungs and there is palliative care to be provided but not much else.  It's the wait now, to see how she does, watch and wait and love her to her end.  

More later....

Connie

Marriage

Marriage is an altar to the sacred and spiritual power of love. Marriage is the highest form of human expression toward the commitment to love that we are capable of expressing, both publicly and privately. Marriage is an affirmation of hope for a future
made strong by the binding together of two beating hearts.

Marriage is a vessel crafted for the sole purpose of containing the energy of love from two separate sources. There are times when the power of love is so strong we doubt our ability to contain it and so we look to marriage to define what we know to be the most profound and exquisite sensation that flows from our physical bodies. Love is the magic wand each of us is capable of wielding in every possible circumstance; for any situation in need of improvement, more love is always the answer.

Love is a teacher, a mentor, a spiritual journey, a physical sensation , a chemical response condition, and above all, love is the healer of all wounds. There is no disease known to humanity that cannot be eased through the compress of more love and compassion. There is no betrayal that cannot be forgiven by the cracking further open of a loving heart. Love is not the opposite of hate, but the flip side of darkness, for love is truly the divine source of light that illuminates the path of each of our individual journeys.

Love has no ego and there are no rules to love. It goes where it goes and it is not the purpose of marriage to define it by rules and boundaries or by “thou shall and thou shalt not.” Love is not proud, love is simply the magic wand that each and every one of us was gifted with when we incarnated. Love is the superpower of the superhero that dwells in each of us, capable of overcoming every possible mistake that we in our humanity are continually humbled by.

Truly love is kind, and may it be the lesson of each of our lives to learn to share our super-human power of loving kindness with all living beings.

Om Shanti,
Namaste`,
Connie

Savasana

During Savasana today, the final posture at the end of yoga class,a man from Youtube joined me, evoked by the beautiful sounds of the Gregorian chants my Yogini Gwen provided on the sound system. My entire body tingled with the presence of Paul Potts, and his inner knowledge of what he is here to do...even though his "packaging" might indicate otherwise.

I hope you enjoy this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEo5bjnJViA

Much love,
Connie